The hardest thing about letting go

When No 1 Daugher openly rebelled and declared she doesn't want to follow God, go to church or be a Christian any longer, my pastor counseled me, "Let her go... if you put your foot down now, it might take her 10 years to come back, but if you let her go, she might come back in a year or so."

Letting go... that is the most difficult thing for me to do.

Aren't I supposed to be a father? Aren't fathers supposed to lead, to train, to discipline and to set the boundaries? Aren't fathers supposed to correct, to teach, to show the way and to say "No, thou shalt not..."?

That is when I woke up...

Fathers... they are supposed to model...

...Christ, who looks at them when they mess up, when they sin, when they cross the line... and Who forgives unconditionally.

...Christ, who suffers when the fathers continually disobey and break His heart when they want their own way, take short cuts, yell and scream at their kids, "Why are you like that??" and yet the Christ stands ready to pardon, to strengthen, to offer grace and mercy...

Grace, unmerited favor. Blessing the father when he doesn't deserve to be blessed. Blessing him with forgiveness of sins, with strength to carry on his responsibilities, with protection from evil, with the Holy Spirit for contant communion and fellowship.

Mercy, undeserved non-punishment. When the father messes up, he doesn't get what he deserves, because the Merciful One looks on, standing ready to apply His shed blood on the wounds when the father comes back, repentant, desperate. When the father returns time and again, He redeems and restores.

So I learned my lesson, or am still learning it. I let my daughter go. It hurts so much to see her living her life without God. I prayed. I agonized. But it is not about me. It is about God's glory, and His will to use me as a vehicle for the blessing of others around me. God wants to use me to bring about transformation in my daughter's life. And, He wants to do it His way.

Now, almost a year later, she came home. Yet, it wasn't coming back to God. Not yet. A couple nights ago, she asked, "Dad, may I spend the night at [name of her boyfriend]'s house?"

I was stunned.

A million thoughts went through my mind. Let go. She knows my standards. I have taught her and raised her with Christian morals. I must trust. She honored me by asking my permission. There is no need to be authoritarian about the matter. Let go. Trust. Grace.

I did not say "No." I looked at her lovingly. She may go. My heart hurts. But I will trust.